The clearing

Each day I'm away my head gets less fuzzy. Less clouded by lust and I can see all the red flags waving violently in the air at me. But beautiful smiles can be deceptive. I am a sucker for words, laced with time and energy to get to know me. 

"If he wanted you love, don't you think he would have you?"

...For other than sex I would amend. For something other than passion filled moments kneaded with sweat and dripping with desire, snuck in when possible. 

I don't want to fight my way into someone's heart. I am no gladiator to the obstacles he's put in our way. 

David got drunk last night, sharing his heart poured on the rocks. It removed some of the shrapnel he put in me, it's easier to breathe. However, I still have some tiny pieces that make it unbearable to dance. 

When will I ever be good at love? Or walking away from those that hurt me? Is anyone good at it? 

Named

He said, "my love."

My heart melted. 

It became the shortest spring in recorded history, till you brought winter back. 

Ice in my arteries, I feel no sympathy for anger.

I'm not sure what makes butterflies die faster than angry words and silence. 

Its just...broken.

Inside me.

The way new toys sometime break and make you feel so sad inside. 

Foolish foolish girl, you should have known the moment you thought you were falling in love...

Just stay the night

I can smell him all over,

As if I'm covered in his clothes. 

It's eerie the way I just want to lay here smelling him all night. 

My stomach empty, my desire still full, physically I can't keep up. 

I want him.

I fight it.

He holds me, we play music, I selfishly hog all the music. 

I miss him when he leaves. 

Post anxiety

I'm not going to lie, it always hurts when I say goodbye now. No matter the circumstances or whose fault it is. Some little piece of me wilts and becomes anxious... As if I need to fix something...

Neuroses and necrosis

Beware: I'm dark today. 

How far we've come...

"You're better off alone than being with the wrong person."

I look back at letters and pictures, I'm nostalgic today. 

I've been cleaning out my storage and I found the trapping of all the relationships I've let go of...and the one I chose to save, again and again. Those feelings that felt so strong at the time... So different in retrospect. 

I grew up...I out grew you, not malicious, not in hurt, I outgrew who I was when I was with you once upon a time. I didn't grow with you, I grew seperate. I look back and I see a little girl with you. Her face familiar but its not who I look at in the mirror. 

Maybe that's why you keep calling, maybe that's why you want to try, I finally grew up. 

Marry me they have said, and with each one... I feel alone... And suddenly I see there's decisions to make.... How much of this is my fault... Settle down I think.... Settle I think... 

His lips

You are a dangerous drug, that I can feel crawling through my veins. 

My highs and lows, you filling my breath. To give me a fix in someway I have yet to think. 

Your taste swelling my lips, and aching me inside.  

You are everything, you are nothing, you are my sweat soaked nightmare of a dream I dare not dream. 

I'm forgetting your face, the way you stir me with your smile and the way that smile is mine; given to me not of your will. The same way mine is for you...

I spy

Here's the biggest secret of all, a boy taught me to write.

He wrote words, not of love and honor...

Betraying words of hunger and lust. He wrote it all with little honey on his tongue towards me. Some words are bore of goodness, some are carved into our flesh from pain. {here}

Much like an abusive father that begats a cycle, so do the abuse of lovely words spun into a vengeful patten. 

I wish I would have saved my words now, saved every brow beat one. To remind myself of the tale of how love is not as extraordinary as we all hope it to be.