This is why I've been so quiet...

Sometimes I hit a wall, emotionally. I haven't had much of a muse lately. That's my own thing. Maybe I need roller coasters to feel alive. Everything I write is choppy and without flow. Just a riot of thoughts warring for a way out. Literally not a linear pattern...sometimes you just don't know where to start, but I'll start in the now. 

I'm wearing a ring on my left hand, the way people wear their heart on their sleeve. He wants babies, he wants it more than marriage. I don't get it, I don't want it that way. I want to be selfish and have a wedding, where I get to dress in a beautiful dress and walk down an aisle and feel good about my legal family. But babies scare him less than marriage. Not that this oven is even on to bake any buns right now. But I feel frustrated there. I've been patient never pushing, I'm not now. I just feel at a loss for words. He said, "kids are just more important to me," I said,"doing it right is more important to me, shouldn't I have a say in what effects my life?" Which makes me want to walk away now all together.... because children are forever, they will always be there, if something goes south then how do we ever walk away fully, divorce or no divorce. If all I that I wanted was kids I could visit a bank, hand pick with less emotional scarring. He can't have everything he wants and maybe that's wrong for me to say, but I need a commitment, more than just a diamond on my ring finger.... Why promise when you are scared to deliver? Maybe he just really doesn't want ME. 

I'm starving to travel. And I have been all over recently. I just want to go somewhere new and novel. Maybe I can stay there.