Post anxiety

I'm not going to lie, it always hurts when I say goodbye now. No matter the circumstances or whose fault it is. Some little piece of me wilts and becomes anxious... As if I need to fix something...

Neuroses and necrosis

Beware: I'm dark today. 

How far we've come...

"You're better off alone than being with the wrong person."

I look back at letters and pictures, I'm nostalgic today. 

I've been cleaning out my storage and I found the trapping of all the relationships I've let go of...and the one I chose to save, again and again. Those feelings that felt so strong at the time... So different in retrospect. 

I grew up...I out grew you, not malicious, not in hurt, I outgrew who I was when I was with you once upon a time. I didn't grow with you, I grew seperate. I look back and I see a little girl with you. Her face familiar but its not who I look at in the mirror. 

Maybe that's why you keep calling, maybe that's why you want to try, I finally grew up. 

Marry me they have said, and with each one... I feel alone... And suddenly I see there's decisions to make.... How much of this is my fault... Settle down I think.... Settle I think... 

His lips

You are a dangerous drug, that I can feel crawling through my veins. 

My highs and lows, you filling my breath. To give me a fix in someway I have yet to think. 

Your taste swelling my lips, and aching me inside.  

You are everything, you are nothing, you are my sweat soaked nightmare of a dream I dare not dream. 

I'm forgetting your face, the way you stir me with your smile and the way that smile is mine; given to me not of your will. The same way mine is for you...

I spy

Here's the biggest secret of all, a boy taught me to write.

He wrote words, not of love and honor...

Betraying words of hunger and lust. He wrote it all with little honey on his tongue towards me. Some words are bore of goodness, some are carved into our flesh from pain. {here}

Much like an abusive father that begats a cycle, so do the abuse of lovely words spun into a vengeful patten. 

I wish I would have saved my words now, saved every brow beat one. To remind myself of the tale of how love is not as extraordinary as we all hope it to be.

Feelings in snippets

He touches me everywhere, he breathes me in so deep, he says I feel like home.

I told him not to fall in love, but he's never felt like this he repeats. 

It's too much. It's far too much for me to handle. He makes my body feel but my heart is not in this. 

We are just "hooking up," I say again. 

I can see myself doing things I don't like. 

"I need you to sleep with another girl, then tell me about it"

"No, why?"

"Because I'm getting attached and wanting things I shouldn't."

"You're the only one I want."

"That's not helping."

This is why I've been so quiet...

Sometimes I hit a wall, emotionally. I haven't had much of a muse lately. That's my own thing. Maybe I need roller coasters to feel alive. Everything I write is choppy and without flow. Just a riot of thoughts warring for a way out. Literally not a linear pattern...sometimes you just don't know where to start, but I'll start in the now. 

I'm wearing a ring on my left hand, the way people wear their heart on their sleeve. He wants babies, he wants it more than marriage. I don't get it, I don't want it that way. I want to be selfish and have a wedding, where I get to dress in a beautiful dress and walk down an aisle and feel good about my legal family. But babies scare him less than marriage. Not that this oven is even on to bake any buns right now. But I feel frustrated there. I've been patient never pushing, I'm not now. I just feel at a loss for words. He said, "kids are just more important to me," I said,"doing it right is more important to me, shouldn't I have a say in what effects my life?" Which makes me want to walk away now all together.... because children are forever, they will always be there, if something goes south then how do we ever walk away fully, divorce or no divorce. If all I that I wanted was kids I could visit a bank, hand pick with less emotional scarring. He can't have everything he wants and maybe that's wrong for me to say, but I need a commitment, more than just a diamond on my ring finger.... Why promise when you are scared to deliver? Maybe he just really doesn't want ME. 

I'm starving to travel. And I have been all over recently. I just want to go somewhere new and novel. Maybe I can stay there. 

Reassurances

Here I sigh waiting patiently for the sun to finally set, so I can see the last bit of light from the dying rays. Sitting back, watching it burn as it has so many times before, although no two days are exactly alike, so much stays the same. 

The energy of the morning, blooms to the brightness of its full potential. Only to be embraced romantically in the waves of sunset sky and darkness of its fall. 

Do you greedily gulp at it's warmth on your face in winter, but curse it's name when too much of its glow has burnt you in the following months? 

You knew it would burn you, but you still treasured every moment of light.