This is why I've been so quiet...

Sometimes I hit a wall, emotionally. I haven't had much of a muse lately. That's my own thing. Maybe I need roller coasters to feel alive. Everything I write is choppy and without flow. Just a riot of thoughts warring for a way out. Literally not a linear pattern...sometimes you just don't know where to start, but I'll start in the now. 

I'm wearing a ring on my left hand, the way people wear their heart on their sleeve. He wants babies, he wants it more than marriage. I don't get it, I don't want it that way. I want to be selfish and have a wedding, where I get to dress in a beautiful dress and walk down an aisle and feel good about my legal family. But babies scare him less than marriage. Not that this oven is even on to bake any buns right now. But I feel frustrated there. I've been patient never pushing, I'm not now. I just feel at a loss for words. He said, "kids are just more important to me," I said,"doing it right is more important to me, shouldn't I have a say in what effects my life?" Which makes me want to walk away now all together.... because children are forever, they will always be there, if something goes south then how do we ever walk away fully, divorce or no divorce. If all I that I wanted was kids I could visit a bank, hand pick with less emotional scarring. He can't have everything he wants and maybe that's wrong for me to say, but I need a commitment, more than just a diamond on my ring finger.... Why promise when you are scared to deliver? Maybe he just really doesn't want ME. 

I'm starving to travel. And I have been all over recently. I just want to go somewhere new and novel. Maybe I can stay there. 

Reassurances

Here I sigh waiting patiently for the sun to finally set, so I can see the last bit of light from the dying rays. Sitting back, watching it burn as it has so many times before, although no two days are exactly alike, so much stays the same. 

The energy of the morning, blooms to the brightness of its full potential. Only to be embraced romantically in the waves of sunset sky and darkness of its fall. 

Do you greedily gulp at it's warmth on your face in winter, but curse it's name when too much of its glow has burnt you in the following months? 

You knew it would burn you, but you still treasured every moment of light. 

You make me think and I like that

She cuddles in my lap, not as small as she once was. I love the feel of her warmth and the  soft breathing that means she's asleep.  I know you aren't suppose to have a favorite, but she is mine. She puts her head on feet when I get ready and she gets mad when I leave the room. The little one hid under the chair everytime David and I fought and looked for me when she thought it was over.  She kissed my face when I was coated in salty tears and barks at me if I dare to stop scratching her tummy before she's ready for me to stop. She has more compassion and empathy than I ever thought possible.

The things we don't regret

Almost home. It only took me 12 hours of travel. One of my flights got cancelled. I honestly only want to go home for my pups, I miss them. I had a blast at the sales meeting, hard core r&d and sales bonding. I may have had the best nights after the corporate Christmas party. Highlights: my boss rocking an 'I ❤️ Intercourse (Pennsylvania)' shirt while bar hopping. Yes I did stupid things, even now I cringe at the thought of dancing with one of the 50 something sales guys while he called me hot. Mind you I won't dance unless I'm drunk to begin with. I know better usually.  

Our company president was raving at all our work and I for once forgot about David. 

And this is Kate, she may be my favorite food scientist counterpart, we always have fun together. 

I'm still here, short updates

So there's lots of chaos in my life, I know everyone has problems. However, I think I have come to expect it; and that isn't a good place to be.

I'm still at my job, but they fought hard to keep me and for that I am appreciative and now well compensated. My former work BFF has been on my mind today after a vivid dream like I haven't had in years. I woke up and couldn't get it out of my mind. You see we haven't spoken in months, probably 6 months. He met a girl, she got pregnant, he no longer talks to ANY of his friends. So I had written him off. Let others make their choices. But friends sometimes are hard to let go of, not for any other reason than at one point he was very close to me. I cried on his shoulder and debated the world with him. Few people look so deeply at my thoughts as Josh did. And I miss that in my life.

Since I have become very close to a newer person at work and the whole environment in management has become a more nutruting place. 

My love life is a disaster at its best. But I have been trying to live my life without anyone else.

I started doing dance classes, my favorite to date is aerial silks, straight up cirque du soleil stuff. I recommend it to anyone. Look for classes because it's like flying, well I'm new to it so it's kinda like playing in a fabric tire swing.

I leave for Pennsylvania tomorrow and well I do like being free to travel. 

I hope you all are well.

Speak ever so softly

Entangled in him

I want to stay here forever. 

Lost in our laughs, we escape reality of the harshness of life. 

Here in this moment we lie to ourselves for a bit longer, 

But what a wonderfully warm lie to devote my prayers too. 

What terribly sweet lyrics your songs creates, songs not devoted to our heartbreak. 

I can feel your whispers still across my skin; as if playing with my hair and tickling my fanciful mind. 

The rush of promise I've been screaming to find. 

Words with power

I've been spending a lot of time with books; submersed in the written goodness of happy endings and fairy tale stories. Sometimes it's nice to just read and forget the world, I think it's the approaching fall, this time of year just leaves me wanting warm soup, books and blankets. I'm a bookworm by heart, well it's in the top 5, with cooking, sleeping, movie watching, and driving. All the things that are effortless to me. 

My father use to say that life would pass me by, that I was escaping reality; I just think I love stories with new ideas to grasp on to. 

I've been absent from here, and on occasion it's nice and healthy to step away. However I've missed it, and I could recap my life change, but let's just say I'm different in a good way. I hope you all are well out there who are listening.